Cell Phones That Make Noise When You Turn Them Off, Sharks, and Bumpers

It's been quite some time since my last post. I know you were probably getting concerned as to why I hadn't put anything new up. The answer is quite simple: I don't get annoyed when I'm not in school. But for being such good sports, you get a bonus topic today.

I hate cell phones that make noise when you turn them off. I don't understand how anyone at any point could have thought this to be a good idea. If you're turning off your cell phone, it means you don't want it to make noise. So it would be completely logical to have it play a little diddy as it shuts off.

I suspect the conversation of how that got started looked something like this: the cell phone guy is like, "Hey, let's make the phone make noise when it gets turned off." And then some other guy was like, "Why?" And then the first guy was like, "Just to make people angry." And the second guy was like, "Hahahlolhaharoflmaohahahaomfghahahahabrbha-
habbqhahahnvmhahahbtwhahahabblhahaha."

As you may have read, sharks are DEAD TO ME. I recently became aware of a thing called "Shark Week" on the Discovery Channel which pays tribute to sharks. For shame Discovery Channel! Giving sharks a week is like giving terrorists a week to broadcast their propaganda all over the world. Scientist tell us how awesome sharks are. That is a blatant lie. Sharks are godless killing machines who will stop at nothing until they destroy us all.

Sharks can smell a single drop of blood from a mile away. That just isn't necessary. They are hellbent on murdering anything that sets foot in the ocean. Seriously, as soon as they figure out how to hold weapons, we're screwed. And it's not like they're small. I think I read somewhere they can grow up to 600 feet long. I haven't checked that, but I'm pretty sure it's right.

These monsters have rows of teeth the grow back if they get knocked out. They have no weaknesses. They are just roving merciless assassins. They are butchers of the sea that will rip you limb from limb. I say that the human race should take every shark attack as an act of war. Grab your weapons and let's put a stop to this terrible menace. The Earth is seventy percent water, and with the melting of the earth's ice caps we're just giving them more water in which to feed. They must be stopped before they become so bold as to sprout legs and come on shore. Just wait, they'll do it.

A few weeks ago, I backed out of my driveway and straight into a parked car. Fret not readers, I was saved by a little thing called a bumper. There was no damage. Not even a scratch. And that's why I'm pleased to present my first ever award:

Congratulations and thanks, Bumpers, awarded to you by a thankful Scott Doebler.

I would also introduce a new feature. Every time I post I will feature a new site that I have discovered while exploring the information super-highway. Today's featured site is: The Nickel Trick.